Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.