GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”