Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago