Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.