Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Never forget.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO