@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

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@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@MomOnFire

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@XplodingUnicorn

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@RiotGrlErin

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

@noog

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

@liljonlovitz

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN