Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Never mess with a drunken pig.