Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.


It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity


Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.


The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.


Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.


WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?


Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.


People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.


DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]


My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.