@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

You Might Also Like

@Swishergirl24

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

@timdonakowski

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@SSparklesDaily

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

@chuuew

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.