Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

choose your gary

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Pretty certain I can more drunk

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?