Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Just say no
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible