@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

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@DurtMcHurtt

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

@KarenKilgariff

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

@rocknthepurple

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

@liljonlovitz

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@vineyille

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

@LaLuchaNix

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

@MyFairCharity

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@robdelaney

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.