GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
You Might Also Like
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.