Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
😎 🍻
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?