Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
That’s enough internet for the day
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.