Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

not seeing the problem

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

I don’t make the rules sorry

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light