@JussMemez When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
@dafloydsta GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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@JussMemez 
@BobTheSuit [Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
@dubiousgenius WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
@warhorse76 My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
@bigdumbbrad I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
@QwertyJones3 “Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
@ValeeGrrl Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
@StarWarsProblms Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
@daemonic3 [shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
@craiguito RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts