GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
You Might Also Like
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue