GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
A completely valid reaction tbh
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.