GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
You Might Also Like
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Finally, an explanation.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.