Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

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GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller


Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.


If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.


Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade


TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
ME: ya i got it. im good right here


The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.


Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.