@KalvinMacleod GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
@jimmytorosian Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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@KalvinMacleod 
@sucittaM Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
@GibJimson If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
@AnkCoupleTO Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
@WhatevaConc I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
@TheAlexP Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
@jonnysun TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
@Ideal_Victoria You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
@amentalrecess The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
@secondofhername Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.