@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

@sucittaM

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

@GibJimson

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@amentalrecess

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.