Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

12653.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.