good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
…..pretty much.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel