Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
We need more people like this.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler