good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.