Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Monday
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.