Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I am patiently waiting for your email
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again