Good day meowlady
* tips cat
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]