Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”