According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Fries, not lies.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?