Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This kid will have a bright future.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.