Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*cough*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
A new level of troll.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.