Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.