Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid