@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

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@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@mostly_cheese

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@P1LoveChild

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

@3sunzzz

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.