Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
fly smarter, not harder
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?