Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
These are too funny not to post 😂
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
How to woo a woman
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*