Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die


My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.


Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.


*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.


I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”


“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.


Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.


Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.