Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
You Might Also Like
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Huge”.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
so weird how every mom was born today
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”