Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.