Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..


ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.




Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing


you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?


When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”


13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.