Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
🙋♀️
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My birthstone is kidney
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Thinking about Jeff
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”