Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
😲 WTF? 😆
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me :
All Day At Night
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.