Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Thoughts
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Oh the world we live in…
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.