@DogPishRed

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

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@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@IBParker

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

@oPinotNated

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@TheCatWhisprer

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.