Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
adding to the discourse
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Heroic Misunderstanding
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.