GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Fidel Castro was alive?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.