GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
You Might Also Like
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…