Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
So the ex texted me
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man