Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.