Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
🤣🤣🤣
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of