Good Morning.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When news reporters do sports stories
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that