good morning
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator