Good morning
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER