Good morning
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
just having fun
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.