Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions