Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Incredible customer service.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Carpe DM
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.