Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
so i’m at the stock market right
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.