“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
the dark web is just a goth google.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.