good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?