“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Effort made
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.