good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
every college guy’s fridge
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY