good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Breaking news:
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.