good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic