Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.